IF YOU WANT CHANGE, CHANGE!
This blog post was originally written in Danish in august 2015
It’s been a while since I’ve last written.
For a long period I have lacked in energy, have lacked a broad view of things and peace to heal. It has made me depressed and sad to the core of my soul.
My foundation is slipping…
I’m standing in the middle of an existential life crisis, and I’ve made a big decision, which will change my life drastically.
However, I can’t talk about it…
Because I’m sitting on information that I suddenly got last night and I have to get it out…
I’ll get into that a little later.
WELL, I GUESS I WON’T AFTERALL, SINCE I BECAUSE OF AN OUTSIDE WISH – WHICH I CHOSE TO RESPECT – HAVE ERASED THIS PART OF THE POST.
First up something completely different:
I have just been at The Skanderborg Festival also called "Smukfest" (Danish music festival). Before I left, I spent almost every day sitting here crying as soon as I came home and was alone. I could barely cope with the thought of going to the festival and on top of that having to work for the bracelet , because I didn’t get a ticket before they were sold out. Two shifts, each 17 hours long, at a stretch. From 11am until 4am. I couldn’t even cope with the tgought of it.
(The bracelet -as we call it- is the ticket, and I didn't get a ticket before the festival was sold out, but then you can work as a voluteer at the festival and get your bracelet in that way)
Besides, I have a tendency to feel neglected quickly, left on the outside, lonely and overlooked when I’m with a lot of people who already know each other from here and there.
No doubt a leftover from my time in school that was filled with bullying and “keeping me left out”.
I know that often it’s just something that happens inside my head, because a certain situation makes my mind -unconsciously- recall a memory from an unpleasant experience in the schoolyard as a child and then my body and brain react from that memory.
I also know that my reaction is quite inappropriate, because it’s a reaction to something that have happened more than 30 years ago, and not a suitable reaction to the actual incident that is playing out right here and now…
A situation that by the way I, deep down, am well aware of – probably – is completely harmless, but still makes me act and react like I was over 30 years younger and this incident would no less than ruin my life.
Inappropriate and irrational…I know…
Still so incredibly hard to control or suppress.
My body and my brain remember the experience from school and the body’s primary purpose is to take care of me, therefore the reaction is immediate, when even the slightest circumstance occurs that could look similar (but mostly aren't) to the unpleasant moments, from when I was a kid, where I didn’t know how to defend myself or how I was supposed to change either the situation or the outcome…
Anyway, it often makes it hard for me to go to a festival with a lot of friends, because I’m afraid that too many situations will arise where I feel left out or overlooked.
I couldn’t cope at all having to deal with something like that too…
Through the past months since the breakup, I have fought to get back on top again and to move on in life with my smile intact.
It has been two steps forward and one long step back down the road.
And that’s fine.
That’s how it is.
I don’t expect it to move faster than that.
I’ve lost everything and have to start from the beginning and look the heavy facts in the eye – such as I’m probably not gonna be a mom – and that’s not something you can just get back up, brush the dust off your shoulder and move on from.
At least I can’t.
So I know it'll take time.
My boyfriend meant everything to me.
Having a family with him was all I wanted.
And I have realized that in reality that is probably where the “fault” is.
That my boyfriend meant everything...
He meant more to me than I meant to me…
Do you know what I mean?
I had pressed my life into a mould, with an expectation of how everything was supposed to be and how the future should look.
Expectations is the key word.
It’s the expectations that create the disappointments and all the frustrations.
And of course the lack of self-worth (but I’ll get back to that at another time).
If I didn’t have all those great expectations that we just had to become mom and dad and that we of course were to live together forever in the wonderful house we had just bought, and had I not been so dependent on this one person and his love and attenetion, then the grief over the miscarriage might not have been so destructive and the mourning of our breakup might not have caused me to go into total depression…and 12 days of hospitalization.
But is it really possible not to have all those expectations and not to be so dependent on the one you love?
Can you actually learn to live so much in the now that you completely let go of all those little romantic movies that are – constantly – playing in your inner movie theater?
And is it possible to love yourself enough to not be dependent on the love of someone else?
People claim that you can and many wise books have been written on the subject. I have – of course – already bought a bunch of them.
I have decided that I want to wise up on this and of course I will share it here in my blog and I’ll also share which books I’ve read and what I’ve gotten out of them.
I read a really interesting small article about this thing with expectations that I want to share with you, you can read it by clicking here.
Back to the subject. I went to the festival and I actually felt good and had a good time. So it was nice. At no time did I feel left out and I managed my two 17 hour shifts perfectly.
But then I came home from the festival…
…and went into a huge black hole…
It's pure bliss and happiness coming home to my two little cats….
...The next thing that hits me after seeing my two beloved fur balls again, is my computer, a lot of work related papers that I need to deal with. Bills I can’t pay because I haven’t gotten enough jobs to make ends meet. (I'm a freelance photographer, and sometimes I have long periods og time with no jobs coming in, especially when I'm feeling down.)
All of a sudden, reality came back and bit me in my festival happy butt and again it was crystal-clear just how much I have lacked the energy to be out going in my work and how big the consequences are. A vicious circle that has affected my business and me for the past many months. Even before my boyfriend left me…
Prolonged fertility treatments don’t exactly create energy, I’m sad to say.
As I stood there and stoned over papers and bills, I could feel that I just didn’t have it in me anymore.
The fight for the jobs is almost impossible; more and more people call themselves "photographers" even though they work as accountants, police officers or belly dancers, and they happily sell themselves and their “work” for 500 kr. (50$) and I’m left to compete with that as a professional.
People have also become accustomed to getting everything for 199 kr. (30$) – through deal sites. I can’t and I won’t compete with that.
My work is high-end and the quality of my work simply doesn't go for 30$!
By virtue of the fact that you can almost take a whole education on YouTube, there have become more and more – really accomplished by the way – hobby photographers and for that same reason fewer and fewer jobs for the professional -and more expensive- photographers who make a living by taking pictures.
Now this isn’t supposed to be one long elegy, but I have felt like I haven’t been allowed to heal. I haven’t been able to come to terms with my grief over losing my unborn baby, the loss of who I believed was my one and only, and the loss of all my dreams and expectations of the future, because I have to use the energy, that I don’t have what so ever, to hang on by my nails to be able to pay the bills. Nothing can give you stomach achess and sleepless nights more than financial worries…
How am I supposed to find peace to heal and to see just a touch of clearing up when all the time I have to worry if I can make it through the next month, and I have to spend the money, I was supposed to use for value added tax and income taxes, to live by?
I’ve really done a lot of good things for myself lately, in the hopes of feeling better and have my mind-set changed into a more positive one. So I can learn to see the not so cool events – including this life crisis I’m in the middle of right now – as a stepping-stone to something better.
I venture to assert that it’s an impossible discipline…That’s how it seems right now…
But I hope that I can put that statement to shame.
I’ve started doing yoga, I attend meditation classes, I’ve had a lot of therapy with hypnotherapist Jeanette Briem, psychotherapist and coach Kristina Van Kampen and psychotherapist Helle Dueholm, it has been beneficial for me to see all three of them, and they’ve all given me a lot, and I’ve read a lot of selfhelp books and books about the mind, the power of thoughts and personal development.
And it has certainly helped me move in the right direction.
Two steps forward and one step back.
(I’ve also seen several psychologists, but unfortunately, that hasn’t really moved anything for me…)
But the past 2-3 weeks it has beenmore like one step forward and two steps back.
My thoughts wander and swarm.
I have no peace because of worries.
All I want to do is heal and work through my grief instead of using all my power on worries about financials and work…
All I want is to be happy again.
Feel lightness and energy.
Be open, free and carefree.
Have the strength and energy to be something for other people.
I can’t stand to be in this sadness anymore.
Memories of my ex show up and play games with me, but I’m not allowed to work through them, I lack the energy because I’m overwhelmed with worries about financials and work.
This breakup has also been really hard for me to accept, simply because I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand how he could just be finished with me in that way, when I didn’t even suspect that a decision like that was coming.
How could he just stop loving me from one day to the other?
The 3-4 weeks that went on from the miscarriage to the breakup was tough and merciless for us both, (you can read about them in some of the first posts here on the blog) but it couldn’t possibly be enough to shatter an otherwise good relationship with lots of visions and dreams.
Not as far as I was concearned.
I guess he must have been carrying something around.
Without telling me about it.
And I don’t understand it.
It makes me so miserable thinking about it.
The feeling of me being insufficient and not having had a chance to do something about it, is unbearable to carry around.
The thoughts swarm, pile up and fill me to the brim with frustration, grief and dejection.
I become overwhelmed and cry and cry and cry and still I can’t find any relief, peace and quiet and no healing because I simply just don’t understand what happened to us…
Neither, do I understand why it was necessary to almost become cruel and talk to me in a hard and formal tone of voice, a voice I could barely recognize as his.
Why was it necessary to threaten me with all kinds of things and set up scenarios for when I had to be “out the door”.
Because that’s what he did…
What had I done?
Wasn’t he the one who was leaving me?
Couldn’t he have been a little gentler?
He obviously couldn’t.
And I don’t understand it…
I couldn’t recognize the person I had loved so much and who had made me feel so loved.
It was my wish that it would be ended in a good way, so we could still talk to each other.
Of course, it’s not his fault alone.
Not at all.
I’m just so tremendously sad that I didn’t get the opportunity to end things properly with the people I knew through him, especially with his parents who I really cared about.
They never answered the letter I wrote them btw.
That hurt like hell.
I didn’t ask them to take a stand on the content, but maybe just say “thank you for the letter” and “We’re so sorry that it didn’t work out, we wish you well in the future”.
But maybe they weren’t sorry?
Maybe they didn’t wish me well in the future?
I’m overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame.
What is it that I’ve done that would make them not wish me well?
I don’t know and it torments me.
It feels so strange and unpleasant that all communication with my ex now has to go through our lawyers.
It’s so sad that I can hardly contain it in my head and in my body.
All these sorrows, worries and feelings are weighing down my soul and it puts pressure on my throat.
My throat is so full of pressure and contracted that I can hardly breathe.
A constant pressure that won’t go away no matter how much I try to let go of my thoughts.
Some of my friends are still friends with my ex on Facebook.
A lot of them actually.
Even though they know this was no "happy breakup".
I think that’s difficult…
I’ve blocked my ex, so I can’t see anything about him. Not even if he’s friends with my friends and are commenting on their posts or the like.
I still think it’s difficult though.
Because why do my friends want to be friends someone who has hurt me so deeply?
It is really difficult…
I can’t help but feel let down. That they’re being disloyal…
How can they sit there and comment on his posts or photos like nothing has happened and as if he’s the nicest guy in the world, when they know how sad he’s made me?
Are they not supposed to be my friends and support me?
I know I’m not supposed to feel this way and that my friends still care about me as much as they’ve always done and that I can’t really meddle in who are friends with whom and why…
But is it really difficult when you’re standing here like a wounded warrior who feels slaughtered, hurt and overwhelmed with heartache, physical pain and injustice.
(Here comes the famous role of the victim once again…)
…And what happens when my ex meets another woman – if he hasn’t already. What will my friends do with that knowledge?
Are they going to tell me?
Are they going to tell me when she moves into the house he and I chose together?
Are they going to tell me when he have the children with another woman that I so deeply wanted to have with him?
Or are they going to withhold the information to “spare” me?
Either way, it'll hurt me...
...And if they tell me, will it then start all over again with the deep sadness and pain all the way into my bone and my soul?
And if they don’t tell me, how can I – the day I find out by myself – avoid feeling offended, hurt and made a fool of, when they’ve had this knowledge without telling me about it?
THE REST OF THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED OUT OF RESPECT FOR A WISH COMING FROM OUTSIDE.
But in the core the deleted part was about the fact that I through one my friends got some information – which she got from Facebook – that I have no idea what to do with.
It was hurtful information, and the fact that many of my friends have acces to information about my ex and his life because they chose to maintain a Facebook friendship, annoys and hurts me, because a lot of this information might be tormenting or in other ways mess with my thoughts and feelings. And I have nowhere to go with those feelings. I can't confront him or ask him why he's doing this and that, because it's really none of my business.
It’s a damn hard dilemma and a subtle balance. It's the same if friends have a falling out and they still have common friends, but it's in particularly difficult when couples break up i believe.
Not only do we have to handle awkward situations out in the real world, but now on the social medias too, so we’re confronted with stories and pictures that we don’t want to be confronted with or which are difficult to deal with.
That said I also know that in time there will come a day when this wont affect me emotionally anymore.
Let me give you an example:
Before I met my ex I had a short relationship – about 6 months – with a young 21-year-old guy (I was 38 myself at the time) from Northern Jutland.
We fell in love and every weekend we flew to either Copenhagen or Aalborg to see each other.
It was really intense because we could only see each other during weekends or holidays and because we had to travel so far to be together.
A lot of big questions came up quickly, especially because of the age difference and in the end, we had to face that we simply couldn’t make it work.
And I was heartbroken.
Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and could hardly exist.
I was a lot more willing to fight for our relationship than he was, but today I can see that it never would have worked out and that of course we weren’t meant to be together.
And that feeling, that it was for the best, I reached pretty fast. I think it took a few months.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened as fast this time, but I know that it will happen…
But back then, with the young guy, my biggest fear was that I was going to see pictures of him and an eventually new love on Facebook. So I unfriended him.
But I didn’t block him. And stupid me did go look at his profile occasionally and one day the profile picture had changed from being a photo of him to a photo of him and a girl.
Talk about being hit by a demolition ball right in the stomach…
But now, today… I couldn’t care less. I hope they’re having a wonderful time and all that, sure, but I’m not affected by who he’s with or if he is even with someone anymore.
And today I’m not so dumb that I torture myself by looking at my ex’s profile or waste my breath asking the ones who are keeping in touch with him, about him.
I’d actually rather not.
For my own sake.
And then there’ll come a day when I’ll be able to contain all sorts of information about him just fine and where I’ll even be able to be happy for him.
But it takes time…
And now I have to concentrate on my own journey.
And my own happiness.
Because as the wise people say, there is a meaning with everything, and often something very amazing can come out of something utterly horrible.
And usually there’s something you need to learn from all the difficult struggles you have...
I want to learn…