POSITIVE THINKING EVOKES MORE ENERGY, INITIATIVE & HAPPINESS
The fall of my life…
The temperature is mild.
The sun is peeping out.
The hours are becoming lighter.
Couples walk hand in hand.
Pregnant bellies are sticking out everywhere.
And here I am, in the middle of the fall of my life…
The atmosphere at home is still strange. It feels so unpleasant. I’m feeling physically ill. Heart palpitations. Unpleasant butterflies in my stomach. Diarrhea. Nausea. Depression.
I’m feeling drained.
Drained of fighting spirit, good will and patience.
I am probably not the most patient human being in the world. More likely the most impatient.
And the just under 3 weeks that have passed since my abortion, and all those unfortunate occurrences that have come in the wake of it, hasn’t been quite enough time to put everything back on an even keel again.
I know that.
I need to fight.
And I am.
We are at war.
At war for love, and we have to stick together.
But I’m being met with resistance…
At least that’s how I feel. I don’t know if it’s true, but that’s how it seems to me.
A lone warrior on this side of the warpath…
If it continues like this love will die…
…I can feel that I’m already beginning to distance myself.
My thoughts are circling around all the initiatives I have to take “when” (not if) the relationship cracks.
Should I go abroad, far away and just start over?
What am I supposed to live on if I do?
Where should I live?
How should I live?
Can I take my two beloved cats with me?
What about my friends, can I be without them?
I just feel myself slipping further and further away from it all.
I don’t want to be here.
I want to leave.
Leave everything behind.
I want to be happy again.
I miss my “old” boyfriend.
He doesn’t really look at me when I walk into the same room he’s in, or when I come home after having been out.
If only he would bother to look at me, he would see me smiling at him.
The few times I ask my boyfriend about it all – God only knows I try to hold back on the asking, I wouldn’t want to smother him further – he gives me the same answer: “I’m no wiser since last time you asked”.
Ergo, he keeps me guessing.
While I’m fighting for us.
I make sure to clean and wipe off after me, the way my boyfriend likes it.
I make sure to take out the trash a little more often, the way he likes it.
I make sure to change the litter box more often, as he likes me to.
I make sure to put up a good face and not complain because he says it has been smothering him.
Every day I try to ask how he is and if it’s been a good day at work.
I try to do some of the things, for him, that I actually wish he would do for me:
I touch him when we’re going to sleep or before we get up, but get no response in return.
I send him sweet and inquiring texts, but get short answers in return, which are ended with a “see ya” as if I was a buddy of his.
I try to seem happy and positive when he comes home, but he seems abrupt and cold.
I make a great deal out of kissing and hugging, but it doesn’t help the mood.
We love each other, but we’re still not getting closer to one another.
I’ve tried to tell him that I need to get something in return. That I can’t fight this fight alone. He nods acknowledging, but he gives me nothing.
There’s just a weird atmosphere and we don’t talk much.
I once got the following doctrine imprinted in my mind: FAKE IT TILL YOU FEEL IT!
That’s exactly what I’m trying to do right now.
I’m not happy at all, but I WANT to be happy and that’s why I’m trying to act as if I am. And no, it’s not easy and it doesn’t feel natural, but it’s necessary.
I really wish my boyfriend would do the same…
Today we went for a long walk in the spring sun. I was determined not to ask for a “status of things”, because I can’t keep pressuring him for an answer. If he wants to talk about it, I suppose he will.
It didn’t happen.
We walked over the bridge to Fisketorvet. We have a padlock hanging on that bridge. A lock that is a symbol of our love. It’s a tradition that started on the Pont Des Arts Bridge in Paris. None of us said anything. The only thing I could think about was how wonderful it would be, if he asked if we should try to find our lock amongst the many others and just look at it for a little while.
Of course not... :'(
During the walk, he asks several times: “How about we go this way?” I say: “Sure”. “How about we walk towards Slusen?” I say: “We can do that”. “How about we go up the embankment?” I nod and that way I try to accommodate him, because in the big picture it doesn’t matter which way we go, as long as we go there together.
We get to Fisketorvet and he asks if we should go find out if there’s a movie, we’d want to see. I agree to that. Again, I’m accommodating him. I pretend that I’m in a great mood for a trip to the movies. (Fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it!)
I know he wants to see “Men and Chicken” (Danish comedy movie) so I suggest we go see that one and there’s only an hour till it begins. It gives us time for lunch in the meantime.
He would like to see it, but he thinks we should see it later. I have no idea why.
But sure, we can do that. I’m accommodating him again. I pretend I don’t think it’s silly not to see it now, while we’re already here. (Fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it, fake it till you feel it!)
Then I ask if we shouldn’t buy tickets – for the late showing – now. He doesn’t think so. “We can order them later”.
Because I’m suggesting it or…?!
I KNOW it’s a small and really ridiculous thing, but I feel that everything I suggest is being rejected.
And it is easier to buy the tickets right away. Then you don’t have to show up 45 minutes in advance to pick them up.
But it was brushed aside. I don’t “dare” to object, I don’t want to ruin the good mood…that isn’t there…!
A completely unequal “balance of power” has shown up in our relationship.
It’s not just the damn movie tickets, it’s all kinds of stupid little things.
But little things take up a lot of room right now.
Because everything is so damn fragile.
Everything that is done and not done is being measured and weighed. Everything that’s being said and not said is being pondered and analyzed.
As I said before, I try to do some of those things - he has now told me annoys him - differently, so it doesn’t have to be a source of irritation for him.
By cleaning up after myself here, there and everywhere, by picking up my stuff, vacuuming and putting the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash and change the litter box more often.
But he doesn’t do the same things for me.
There have been small issues about him that have annoyed me too.
The difference between him and me is just that I’ve mentioned them, and he never said anything.
The fact that I’ve mentioned those things has been perceived as complaining. I understand that and I want to change it.
For example, I’ve been complaining that he leaves things and clothes on every horizontal surface.
I might not be great at vacuuming up my crumbs, and I’ve put my plate in the sink instead of the dishwasher, but in return he leaves his papers, keys, headphones, Iphone cardboard boxes, laptop, cover for the laptop, books and what have you everywhere, on every surface, and he puts his clothes on top of the laundry hamper instead of in the hamper.
I’ve complained about him leaving his clothes over the bureau. I think it’s a shame because it’s a really nice bureau. It’s a beautiful mint green antique piece of furniture and when there’s always clothes lying around on top of it, it mars it…I think…
He can’t handle my crumbs and dishes in the sink, but the fact that his own stuff is lying around everywhere making a mess doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
His arguments are that I have a lot of clothes lying around too on top of the radiator and of course, I can see that it’s not okay, when I don’t want his clothes on top of the bureau and the laundry hamper and his stuff on top of the sideboard in the living room.
So I’ve removed my clothes from the radiator.
But his clothes are still on top of the bureau.
And on the hamper.
And by the way he always hangs the clothes on the bureau in such a way that it hangs down in front of the drawers, which is really annoying when you need to get into a drawer.
He knows these things.
But he’s got the power now.
So undaunted he continues to do it.
Almost as if, it’s done in spite.
Maybe it is.
It seems like a provocation or a demonstration of power.
Maybe more or less unconscious.
I don’t know.
But I think it’s all wrong.
I have removed my stuff.
I’m trying to show him good will and kindness.
I’m trying hard to do everything the right way.
To show him how badly I want us, and him.
But I get nothing in return.
If he at least gave me that, then I don’t think the clothes on the bureau would be such an issue.
All I get is “I’m no wiser since last time you asked”.
I really do want him.
I still want to be the mother of his children.
I can still see a future with him.
But it has to be mutual.
I’m just about out of good will and fighter spirit.
Do I really have to throw my shield and lance on the ground, and give up?
The “funny” part is that we’ve bought an old house on Amager together. About 6 months ago. We are currently waiting for the restoration to be finished.
A sad and horrible thought hit me today:
Maybe I will never live in that house…
Maybe we’re not supposed to share the life and all those wonderful experiences we were looking forward to after all…
I can’t even bear the thought because I love him all the way to hell, all the way to heaven and to infinity…
But I really can’t do this anymore.
PS. those stupid movie tickets were, of course, never ordered…