THE SECRET TO HAVING IT ALL IS BELIEVING YOU ALREADY DO
I never thought it could happen to me
The blog has been silent for a while.
There’s a reason for that…
Just as I thought my boyfriend and I were finding each other again after all the emotional chaos we’ve been through, he chooses to leave me.
Three weeks after the miscarriage…
I’ve been in deep, deep shock.
The man that made me feel so loved – at least most of the time – suddenly threw a bomb and leaves me at a time where I am already completely shattered over the loss of my unborn child. Our unborn child.
The man that a few months before were full of enthusiasm at our Florida vacation and said “now is the time to “do it”, because you’re ovulating right now!” (Oh yes, he was the one who kept track).
The man that put pillows under my butt after we’d been together “because then I would probably become pregnant” (which I actually did).
The man who just a few weeks before had been my rock when I got together with my family to talk about some issues that had been smoldering for a year and a half and made our family relations pretty strained.
The man who almost daily said, “You know what? I’m crazy about you!”
The man I’d had so many wonderful adventures with and with whom I had such big dreams and who I just bought a house with…
He chose to leave me.
In the middle of everything.
In the middle of fertility treatments.
In the middle of grief.
In the middle of happiness.
In the middle of life.
How could he?
How could he do it?
What did I do that was so bad?
I was in such deep sorrow and shock that I haven’t been capable of writing.
Now, four months later, there’s a little more distance to it.
But it’s still incredibly painful.
I have decided to write a post before it’s been so long that I can’t remember the details.
It has been so painful sitting here trying to collect my thoughts and go back four months.
It’s a time I most of all would like to forget.
I get an unpleasant sinking feeling in my stomach when I go through the agonizing memories in my mind.
I remember how his message, that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, hit me like a six ton steel bullet that’s supposed to knock a building to its knees.
I was brought to my knees.
Completely and entirely.
I cried and cried and cried. I lay on the bathroom floor and screamed in sorrow and physical pain.
I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t see out my eyes.
My throat contracted into a painful blocking lump.
I couldn’t breathe.
My heart was pounding so hard that it hurt physically.
My chest was about to explode.
I couldn’t think one clear thought.
My world turned black.
I was completely broken inside.
I didn’t want to be here anymore…
When you feel like that your friends can’t – and shall not – take responsibility for you anymore.
You need to get help.
And I did.
I was admitted to the psychiatric ward and I was there for 12 days…
I was torn into a thousand pieces and the pain was unbearable.
My throat was so constricted that I could hardly breathe, I had nausea and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I had physical chest pains, something I can still feel today, four months later.
I had a constant headache and I couldn’t stand being in myself because of all the thoughts and all the fear, sorrow and anxiety that was roaming around my head.
That I was admitted was a really good thing.
I couldn’t sleep and it was as if I was experiencing one long anxiety attack. I probably was…
I never ever saw this coming.
Being admitted to the psychiatric ward.
And for 12 days.
On anti-anxiety medication.
I’m not “mentally ill”…
Thankfully, I got a lot of visits from all my amazing friends and family. It’s what saved me. What would I have done without all those people in my life?
I ask a girl friend one day, “What have you done to move on when you’ve had a broken heart?”
She thinks about it for a little while, then she says, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad over another person…”
She continues “…I simply think I love myself too much for that”.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that sentence since.
And it’s something that will come to take up a lot of space in this blog…
Was this about me not loving myself?
Have I gone down because in reality I’m too dependent on another human being to love me, because I don’t love myself?
I’ve just begun figuring out what this is really about. And it’s gonna be a challenge.
In a good way.
And I want to share it with you…
But there I was. In the psychiatric ward.
I had to get pills to stand upright.
To be able to even breathe.
I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.
Where was the “warrior” that took part in all those wild races?
Where was the “though” Crossfitter?
Where was the “wild” wakeboarder?
The one who had done theater and revues?
Done stand-up comedy.
Become a qualified firefighter and chief.
I was just done.
February 16th at a control scan, I am told that the fetus is dead.
February 17th I have a surgical abortion.
March 13th “P” tells me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
March 16th my accountant informs me that my business is going bankrupt.
March 25th “P” gives me the final deathblow.
March 26th I am admitted to the psychiatric ward for 12 days…
After “P” said enough on March 13th I asked if he wouldn’t give me a chance if I changed.
If I changed some of the things, he had been dissatisfied with. I was desperate. My big love was slipping through my fingers.
He said he couldn’t promise anything.
But I just couldn’t believe that this was the end. After all, we had shared together.
We were in the process of having children together, damn it.
…Now he couldn’t stand the thought of having children with me, he said…
That broke me completely.
What the hell just happened!?
In what…three weeks!??
I’m hoping and believing.
I act exemplary.
But on March 25th he swears that he’s a sure as he’s ever been.
He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.
I couldn’t function at all.
I cried my eyes out every single day.
I didn’t understand anything…
My entire life foundation…
And now all of a sudden I didn’t have a home anymore either…
No roof over my head.
I was longing for answers.
How could he leave me like this?
Just like that.
I didn’t even see it coming.
At no time did he indicate that something was wrong.
That something was bothering him.
Something so important that it could cost us our love.
I simply didn’t know.
Sure, it was a tough time with hormone treatments and what not.
Besides that, I had been working my ass off for a long time. Working to the extend, that I didn’t have any energy left. And it hadn’t even made me rich.
But I didn’t think it was hurting our relationship in a way that felt dangerous at all.
And I think he “handled me” really well when we had controversies. Or if I was unreasonable and complaining.
He was perfect. Because things never blew up, he always kept calm.
He was just really good for someone like me, I thought…
If only I had known...
He must have been boiling inside.
Been gathering up stuff.
Without saying anything.
Without letting me know, something was wrong.
On the contrary.
I was – and am – in shock that a person who daily expressed so much love for me, who wanted to have kids with me, bought a house with me and told me he loved me to the end of the world, all of a sudden could turn on me like that…
Today I’m sitting here thinking, why didn’t he say something?
I just don’t understand.
It makes me so indescribably sad.
I feel betrayed.
And let down. Extremely let down.
Why wouldn’t he fight for us?
Why wouldn’t he help me? Help me become a better version of myself. Be there for me. Be there for us!?
The things he mentioned as reasons feels a bit vague to me.
I don’t understand them.
…Something like he thought I was very negative and that I had been very negative about my pregnancy.
That’s true enough. But I had a history with a couple of abortions. So it was difficult for me to “believe” and be happy before I felt surer. As a minimum, I had to reach past the time where the latest abortion happened. But I tried to be as happy and positive as I possibly could.
He also thought we disagreed on everything.
I don’t think we did…
Sure, we had trouble agreeing on which type of frying pan we should have, what color the tiles in the bathroom in the new house should be and if the kitchen should be glossy or dull.
But who the hell doesn’t fight over those kinds of trivialities??
Yeah, I’m just asking.
When it came to morals and values, we were usually in total agreement.
When we talked about bringing up children and so forth we were also very much in agreement about what was “right” and what was “wrong”.
And I mean that is what’s most important, isn’t it?
I asked him why he hadn’t said anything.
Then he said, “Because I thought it was trivialities”.
But if it really were “trivialities” then why were we standing there now…?
He never gave that question a clear answer.
At one point, he said something like he’d had a hard time accepting that he didn’t love me as much as he thought he did…
That is definitely not the signal he sent out while we were together.
I also remember him saying one of those days that he thought it had gone downhill since December 2013….
December 2013!??? And he tells me that in March 2015!???
And in all that time he has chosen to try to have children – it’s not a project I had pulled over his head, but something we both really wanted to do together – buy a house and have shared insurance, enter into a co-ownership agreement and draw up a will.
There is something here that doesn’t add up at all.
I will probably never find out what really happened inside “P”…
Here in this blog you can follow my fight to get back on top. I share everything I do, how and why.
A lot has happened since the breakup.
I’ve learned a lot.
About what the meaning – maybe – might have been with this.
I still don’t understand his choice.
If he’s such an eternally positive and big human being then why wouldn’t he teach me? Why wouldn’t he take me on the journey and support me in becoming a better version of myself?
It could have made our relationship so much stronger.
If we had won a battle like that together, our bond would have become even stronger…
But maybe there never was a bond to begin with?
Maybe the meaning of his choice was for me to learn something. And for him to learn something. And nothing else.
So maybe we were never meant to be together forever like I was dreaming about and believed in…
But I couldn’t look at it in that way in the beginning.
I felt worthless without him.
And I thought it was all my fault.
I chose to take all the responsibility for our breakup. I put it all on me. Promised to turn over a new leaf. I wrote him a long list of all the things I wanted to do better.
I hated myself.
I hated my life. My upbringing. Everything I stood for and everything I was.
I wrote a letter to his parents too. Because I was really going to miss them.
I wanted to tell them how I felt.
I wanted to tell them about the demons inside me, that I was fighting, and that made me a bad girlfriend. Not to excuse my bad behavior, just to explain.
I become really sad when I read that letter…
It’s very heavy and very sad.
In my next post, I think I’m going to share it with you.
Or maybe just a few extracts…
I’m gonna give it some thought…