WHEN WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS - THE THINGS WE LOOK AT CHANGE
A Relationship in Pain
It has been a few days since I’ve last written here on the blog…
I would like to tell you why…
The reason is I hit rock bottom, as I described in my last post. I simply wasn’t capable of sitting down and write. Even if the writing in itself is a kind of self-therapy, I wasn’t capable of pulling myself together enough to write. There was too much at stake.
Something that needed my attention.
My only strong basis in life right now.
The problem wasn’t just my now fourth abortion, but also the fact that my business isn’t doing well – I simply doesn’t earn a living these days – and it’s deeply frustrating having to relate to that on top of the grief of losing an unborn child and the fear that it’ll never happen. That I'll never experience the joy of becoming a mother, wich I so desperately wish.
At the same time, I felt let down by my boyfriend who went out with his friends to about 7.30am in the morning while I was sitting miserable at home.
I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how he could feel up to partying and I didn’t understand that he had the heart to leave me here.
I didn’t consider that this situation had been hard on him too.
That he needed to get away from his crying girlfriend.
Get a little air.
(In one of my upcoming posts, I will try to describe the difference – as I see it – at being in fertility treatment as a single versus being in fertility treatment in a relationship. I’ve done both).
When I feel let down I block mentally. It’s caused by all kinds of abandonment issues in my childhood, which I am not going to bore you with now.
The fact is that it’s something that’s deeply embedded in me and I react fiercely when I feel abandoned by those closest to me. Those who are “supposed” to love me unconditionally and those who are supposed to “take care of me” and be there for me, always.
If I feel let down I react by pushing people away.
And that’s what I did to my boyfriend too.
I told him that we were not going to be together anymore and that I hated him, all the while sobbing uncontrollably.
I didn’t mean it of course!
I was desperately looking for a reaction. I just wanted to hear him say that he didn’t want me to leave him and that he loved me.
But he didn’t say any of those things.
He didn’t say anything. He just shrugged his shoulders. That was not what I needed, and I became more and more desperate, panicky and sad.
All of a sudden, everything was turned upside down and he announced that he didn’t even know how he felt anymore, that he felt suffocated and was sick and tired of me complaining, and that he went out with his friends because he needed air.
So there I was with a boyfriend who said he didn’t know how he felt about me and who didn’t know if he still wanted to be with me. It felt like being hit in the head with a baseball bat. No actually, it was worse, because I was hit in the head with a baseball bat once at school during a game of dodgeball. And this was definitely worse.
He is everything to me and I didn’t mean what I said. I was desperate and I needed him to tell me that he loved me and that he wouldn’t want to be without me. That’s why I said it, and damn that was a dumb move!
In the very strong light of hindsight, I know that on my part it was an unbelievably bad attempt to communicate.
It was a cry for help. A cry for attention.
But I gave me just the opposite...
Because, litterally, I told him to piss off. Not to help me or give me some loving attention.
I thought it was obvious. But clearly, it wasn't...
We went out for a long walk and had a talk and it settled a lot of things. I’ve realized that I have to stop complaining over all kinds of stupid little things and he has realized that he needs to put his foot down once in a while.
The problem once more is communication.
If something annoys me I’ll just say it straight out, and it comes out sounding like complaints.
When he gets annoyed about something, he doesn’t say it. And then how am I supposed to know something is wrong?
In conclusion, I need to learn to keep down the complaining – unfortunately it almost just comes out automatically – which I don’t mean anything by, but I can see now it has to be annoying as hell to him which is why he might be reading more into it.
On the other hand, he needs to tell me when he’s getting tired of listening to me.
So far so good.
Once more, it has been confirmed that men and women don’t speak the same language, my point being that we need to take care of each other and really try to talk openly about things.
Don’t think that what’s evident to you is evident for the other part.
I thought it was obvious that he should have chosen to stay home with me when I was sitting there so miserable, and he thought it was obvious that I should have told him I wanted him to stay home. All I needed was for him to make that choice on his own. But I guess that’s not how it works. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. That’s just the way it is.
And the man needed air!
If I have to look at this with a positive attitude, it was great for our relationship that we had this talk. It was a good thing that we became aware of these things. All too often, you come to take each other for granted and you forget to take care of the relationship. So now I’m gonna go do just that, take care of my relationship.