ALL THAT WE ARE IS THE RESULT OF WHAT WE HAVE THOUGHT
The time is up…
The Time is Up
Yesterday were International Women’s day.
And I have a tough fight to fight.
A fight for love…
It’s a fight for understanding too.
Understanding between man and woman.
As I’ve described in the latest posts there is a fundamental lack of understanding. It goes both ways.
My boyfriend doesn’t understand just how affected I am (have been) by “project baby” and the fertility treatments that came with it.
He probably gets it now…
…Now that the house of cards has collapsed…
He still doesn’t understand why.
He simply just doesn’t get how I can be this sad and why it means so much to me that the “project” succeeds.
It’s impossible for him to understand because it isn’t his body and mind that are affected. And he doesn’t have my history. You shouldn’t forget that.
But he knows about it.
And he still doesn’t understand me completely.
And that I don’t get. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand…
My boyfriend doesn’t understand my logic either.
To me it’s obvious.
I don’t understand his logic.
He thinks it’s obvious.
My boyfriend and I don’t speak the same language.
It’s that simple.
But maybe we can learn each other’s languages? If not all then just moderately.
Maybe we can help each other out with a little mini phrase book with respectively Hanne-language and “P”-language, in a way that is intelligible to the other part in situations, where it is absolutely necessary with a certain mutual understanding to avoid the catastrophic consequences, like the situation we’re dealing with now.
Last night, when I wrote the post The Fall of My Life, I could feel that I was done.
I couldn’t handle not knowing anymore.
No more awkward silence in the living room.
No more lack of communication and mutual understanding.
No more opposing.
No more stomach pains.
No more depression.
I had to tell him.
He gets up from the couch.
Starts making some food.
But he doesn’t say anything.
He doesn’t ask me if we should make the food together.
He doesn’t ask what I would like.
He doesn’t say that he’s going to make dinner.
He just does it.
Without saying a word…
It’s the same scenario when we get up in the morning, go to bed at night, watch TV or do other things.
Nobody says anything.
You (He) just do.
Previously, we would always lie in bed and look deep into each other’s eyes before we got up – at least on the weekends where one doesn’t have to get up earlier than the other – and talk for a while, before asking each other if we should get up, and what we were going to make for breakfast, and what else we were going to do that day.
Now nobody says anything.
You (He) just get up.
Without saying a word…
I think he’s done it the most.
But that’s probably only my experience.
I don’t know what his experience is, because he doesn’t tell me anything.
I don’t even know if he is reading this.
He doesn’t say a word.
He knows the blog exists.
I think he read the first couple of posts.
I doubt that he’s still following it.
He doesn’t have to.
I would just like to get something in return. Anything so I know that he’s with me.
And if he doesn’t feel like reading my blog then that’s fine. I’m mostly writing it for myself anyway.
In my experience, I haven’t been asked.
I haven’t been asked if I would like to watch “Breaking Bad” on Netflix with him. He has just been watching it by himself, and then I could do something else while he sat there with his computer and headphones and chewed his way through 5 seasons.
I might not have felt I wanted or had the time to watch the show with him, but I would like to be asked.
And that characterizes our relationship more and more. And it is really aggravating.
As a starting point, I don’t mind at all that we’re together but do separate things, but occasionally I would like to be asked.
My experience has also been that he doesn’t involve me in his doings.
He doesn’t tell me when he going to exercise or when he’s going to be with whom, and he doesn’t involve me when he get up on the weekends or if he thinks it’s time for dinner.
He hasn’t told me with whom he has shared this unfortunate situation. And yesterday I found out that he has actually told his parents.
I would have loved to be included in that.
I care about my in-laws a lot.
And I miss them.
But we haven’t seen them in all the time this has been going on.
He has talked to them, but without me.
And that really doesn’t work…
We could just as well be apart then…
As I wrote yesterday, we both have to TRY to get this back on an even keel again or it won’t happen.
We both have to Fake It Till You Feel It as I explained in my post yesterday.
So even though NONE of us is on top or bubble over with happiness and joy, we HAVE TO TRY.
I have really tried, because I really want us.
But I have felt that I’m being opposed.
I had to tell him yesterday after I had written my post.
And so I did.
And it made me miserable that I had to bring it up again.
But I was just done.
At first he laughed. I simply think he laughed because he just doesn’t understand my way of thinking or my logic. (I used some of the examples that I described yesterday, like the one with the movie tickets and the fact that I felt he had all the power and didn’t want to oblige me in anything at all).
Apparently, he didn’t understand my little calculation or my conclusion either.
It really hurt that he just laughed at me…
Then he came over and he held me…
I really needed that.
It was so nice.
A huge rock fell from my heart right there.
It was as if he suddenly understood the seriousness.
I hope he did.
At least he asked what he should do.
I told him he has to stop being so cold and constantly oppose me, because I can’t keep fighting this fight alone.
I think he understood…
It seemed like he really tried the rest of the evening.
And he removed his stuff from the bureau and the sideboard. (Read about the bureau and the sideboard in The Fall of My Life).
It doesn’t really matter with the clothes and stuff, because the most important thing was that he came over and held me and that he understood me.
His stuff and clothes on the bureau and the sideboard have been a symbol of him not trying.
So it’s really nice that it’s now gone…
I am quietly hoping that things will get better now.
NOW we’re going to cooperate.
Find each other again.
Find that big love that’s there and always has been there again.
I miss my old boyfriend so unbelievably much.
I hope that he’s on his way.
I’m waiting right here.