WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME
Humiliated, exhausted and truly hurt by life…
I thought I had hit rock bottom.
But apparently, I wasn’t all the way down in the deepest of darkness just yet.
My boyfriend has suggested couples therapy so we can move on. I really want to go.
One of my girl friends seems to think that I should start by seeing a psychologist by myself, because I’m so far down in a deep black hole that the most important thing has to be getting myself back on my feet, to create some balance in things. She’s right.
I can barely cope with it.
I don’t feel up to it, because I know how bad it’s going to hurt inside and how hard seeing a psychologist is.
I’m completely torn apart and every breath I take hurts.
So I really want to get help.
But damn... I just can’t cope.
To my girl friend, you know who you are, thank you <3 for talking me into it.
Today I ride my bike to the psychologist. I have an appointment at 11.15am. I ride with tears streaming down my face and we haven’t even started yet. It’s all those thoughts in my head.
Every thought I have hurts.
I feel like when it comes to screwing EVERYTHING up for myself... -I’m the champion.
It’s humiliating going all the way through town on a bike -in tears- and going into the supermarket with my eyes all red, puffy and wet after having sat and cried at the psychologist for an hour.
It has to be done though.
No matter how exhausted I am.
I’m not just exhausted.
I’m completely broken inside.
I’m hurting so bad.
I don’t like my job anymore.
I will probably never have the family of my own that I want so badly.
My boyfriend doesn’t want to anymore. He doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me any longer…
I screwed up everything.
Everything important to me is just slipping through my hands...
Maybe he’ll want to again?
Maybe he’ll find out that of course we have a future together?
But I can’t be sure.
And that is just so unbelievably hard.
I really want to do the right thing. Do whatever I can to make it right again.
But is the battle lost already?
I don’t know…
I don’t even know what the right thing to do is.
There’s a weird atmosphere.
He knows I’m fighting to make it right.
I know that he knows. It makes the atmosphere feel strange.
We talked about things yesterday and it was nice talking about it all quiet and calm.
But today the mood just feels weird.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
My stomach hurts.
My heart hurts.
My mind hurts.
I hurt all over.
My life hurts…
I’ve been in pain before and wanted not to be here anymore. I have always, later in life, when I’ve been able to see things from a distance, been happy that I didn’t choose to take my own life, but chose to get up and fight to get my life back together again.
I’ve called out for help before by doing a pathetic and failed attempt to end my life.
I won’t do it again. I don’t have the nerve. But I really don’t want to be here – in life – right now.
I wish I could sleep like Sleeping Beauty and only wake up when everything is well again.
Because I don’t know what to do…
Maybe I shouldn’t do that much.
Maybe everything just needs a little time to heal.
“Maybe” is coming close to sucking all joy of life out of my broken body and mind….